I don’t think I was the only father-to-be who habitually confused “Braxton Hicks” with “Higgs Boson”.

My mother called this morning to wish me happy Father’s Day. I had plumb forgot Father’s Day this year (as with most years, sorry Dad). My ungrateful son did not get me the traditional Father’s Day Golf Tie, the little ingrate.

The man on the radio reminded me that I have an especial treat for Father’s Day this year, with not one but two historic sporting events to witness. Tyger Wood is going to win the Stanley Cup and the L.A. Lakers will battle the Massachusetts Celtics for the Triple Crown or something. I know what I’ll be watching on TV this afternoon! Just as soon as we get cable. And a TV.

Now that I’m a dad I need to erase 37 years of indifference to any sporting activity requiring a ball. Or Orion’s gonna be a sissy, right?

Yesterday I installed a new (NEMA 10-50R) outlet for our dryer (replacing the old range-style outlet [10-30R] on the same circuit). I hate working with electricity. I've been shocked plenty with 110v and was scared crapless at the prospect of getting zapped with 220v. My fear was that whoever wired the breaker box hadn't properly labeled the dryer circuit, although it was the only 30amp circuit...so why so scared, Paul?

I also figured out, using Science™, why the dishwasher backed up when Jenny ran the in-sink-erator. It backed up for the same reason the in-sink-erator backs up when the dishwasher drains (but in reverse). Except that apparently the dishwasher doesn’t drain on its own, the circulator pump needs to cycle first. The Science™ part is that I figured this out by treating the dishwasher like a black box and drawing a diagram, then testing the black box by running coffee grounds and other stuff through the in-sink-erator. So Science™ has at least two uses:

1. Asking stupid questions during ultrasound tests
2. Figuring out really basic plumbing problems.

The “fix” for the dishwasher — such as it was — was the run the dishwasher through the end of its cycle. Also (and FFR): don’t drain a full sink all at once through the in-sink-erator.

I need to point out here that I am not usually a handy person, so this is probably about 50% of the Handy Homeowner stuff I’ve done in my whole life.

Probably Related:I'm trying to teach myself some knots from Knots and Splices. I never remember knots. I remember a few knot fundamentals, like slipknot, double-8, and hitch, but my knot philosophy is “if you can’t tie a knot, tie a lot.” Someday I’m gonna have to teach my son how to tie good knots. I can’t throw a baseball and don’t know jack about cars, so I figure need to pass on some kind of manly stuff.

This weekend, the highly effective* Chinese home-haircut shaver I bought in Xiamen finally gave up the ghost. It ground to slow, sad halt exactly halfway through my weekly head-shave. More accurately, the charger failed, so I had enough juice for exactly half my head.

I had to finish up with my face-razor, a Gillette Sensor Excel (or, more accurately, the Chinese knockoff version of a Gillette Sensor Excel). This delivers the (to me) inferior shaved-head experience of having a skin-bald head, which is weirdly sensitive to heat and cold. Like, for example, I can feel the warmth emitted by light bulbs at distances of up to 24 inches. More for halogen lights. Fluorescents, of course, produce very little heat so I can't detect those things at all.

So now I have to wear a stocking cap allatime like a total goob, for the next I dunno two or three days.

* No I am not being ironic. It is (was?) actually a very effective instrument for head-shaving. It was cordless, submersible, washable and cut the hell out of hair. I can't even lay the blame for its death on shoddy Chinese design. Its adapter has a Japanese-style plug (which kinda-sorta works in North American outlets), and is wired for 220v (which also kind-sorta works in 100v outlets). So that the thing would gradually die, as it did, would pretty much be expected.

• The Australian crawl
• The backstroke
• The Four-in-Hand
• The half-Windsor
• The non-necessity of training wheels
• If you’re bored, read a book
• Shake hands firmly and make eye contact
• It’s who you know not what you know
• Grill a steak less than 1 minute/inch on each side, on a very hot pan
• Build a fire from the bottom up, inside out
• Treat every gun like it’s loaded
• Chew with your mouth shut
• If you don’t know which utensil to use, look at what everyone else is doing
• “Righty tighty, lefty loosey”
• Hitting never solved anything
• That said, if a bully is picking on you, hit him first and hit him hard
• Your hick second cousins on the farm are worth millions but those kids at school with the fancy cars and plastic houses whose clothes you admire so much — their parents are bankrupt
• Your parents had interesting, fulfilling lives before you were even imagined
• Every human being has dignity and is worthy of respect
• It’s OK to ask questions
• Lots of questions don’t have answers
• Don’t ride the clutch

As I was typing this I thought, “if someone ever asks me to give a commencement address, I will know exactly what to say.”