Paul’s Lazy Substitutes for What The Pros Do

Published 2012-05-14

I started writing a way-too-long blog about the difference between “saddle sores” (noun) and “saddle sore” (adjective). (Short answer: you want to read about it even less than I want to write about it.)

But it got me started thinking about bag balm which is what I use instead of chamois cream, at about 1/1000th the cost.

And that got me thinking about all the weird little rituals and products other Serious Cyclists (especially Cat5 racers like me) do, that I just Do Not Get. I like to think of these things as sympathetic magic that low-cat racers practice, probably because it’s What the Pros Do.

I don’t do What the Pros Do. I am much lazier.

What the Pros Do Paul’s Lazy Substitute
chamois cream bag balm
embrocation warmups
pre-race trainer warmup riding your bike to the race
winter indoor training riding your bike in the snow
razor-smooth legs two-week-old stubble
compression socks no socks
orthopedic shoe inserts Odor-Eaters
sweatproof sunscreen sunburn
$200 multi-lens wrapparound sunglasses squinting
CO2 air pump tennis elbow
iPod wind in your ears
compressed gel padding HTFU
Sports bar frozen waffles
High glucose gel jellybeans
Demitasse of espresso Paper cup of Swedish Gasoline
“Performance” sports drink water
“Recovery” sports drink beer
postride ice bath beer
leg massage beer

Although it bears saying: if it works for you (and/or you enjoy it): more power to you! Also: I have never won a race, ever.