I Never Quite Recovered From My First Exposure to Kombucha

Published 2020-02-12

From this Twitter thread

ca 2002 at Last Thursday on Alberta st., there was a 20-something white dude with dreadlocks, selling kombucha at a card table. In keeping with my life philosophy (“if it’s not fatal to ingest, it’s probably delicious”), I ordered one.

White Dude grabs a ladle and a solo cup, pulls the lid off a 10-gallon paint bucket, and WITH HIS BARE HANDS pushed aside a floating handful of THE LOVECRAFTIAN NIGHTMARE I REMOVE FROM THE SHOWER DRAIN EVERY OTHER WEEK

it looked exactly (EXACTLY!) like the clot of gunk that collects in the shower drain in a house full of young people with long flowing locks. Exactly. This is a 100% accurate description. I nearly puked then and there.

What the everloving fuck is that shit floatin in the bucket, dude?

Ah that’s the “mother,” it’s the magic fungus that makes Kombucha better than teas that are not brewed from the spawn of unspeakable horrors from beyond the realms of madness

Against all better judgment I paid the dirty dreadlock hippie man with the bucket full of nightmares $2 for a solo cup full of fungus juice. It tasted exactly like that sentence sounds.

Also, it was BUBBLY. Not fun little tickle your nose carbonation bubbles but big BLOOP BLOOP bubbles like swamp gas maybe. Just for texture

For umpteen years since every time someone I’m with buys a kombucha I have to choke back this story. OH SWEET MERCIFUL JEEBUS HAVE YOU EVER SEEN WHAT RAW KOMBUCHA LOOKS LIKE

Of course the smart ex-hippie marketeers of the 2010s have learned to tart up the nightmare fungus juice with ginger and berries and even actual hops (smart!)

& since I quit1️⃣ drinking beer2️⃣ last year I sometimes treat myself to one of these much fancier Kombuchas which I can pretend is beer

and yes, reader, they are delicious.

but that one experience ca 2002 has conditioned a literal gag response in me every time I hear the word “kombucha”


1️⃣ not really

2️⃣ does whiskey count as beer?