Things I Miss About 1991

Published 2007-01-19
  • Only building contractors and heart surgeons carry cell phones.
  • My guidebook to the Pacific Northwest, in describing the burgeoning Seattle coffee culture, mentions in passing a local chain called “Starbucks.”
  • It also contains a sidebar of bands you should try to see if you brave the seedy Belltown neighborhood; said sidebar includes Alice in Chains and Mudhoney.
  • The Soviet voted itself out of existence and now Russia is going to get better, right?
  • Country music still sounds like country music
  • Only porn stars shave their pubic hair or get tattoos right above their asses. (Corollary: “porn star” is not a flashy compliment used when dispensing fashion or romance advice.)
  • Only rock stars are ballsy and/or dumb enough to grow those little soul patch things.
  • Tattoos, piercings, and facial hair make you marginally unemployable. And thus actually cool.
  • American-led wars in Mesopotamia are winnable.
  • Celebrity gossip and non-scripted television are
    1. confined to the National Enquirer and COPS, respectively
    2. correctly regarded as the pop culture equivalent of pro wrestling
    3. unworthy of polite discussion by the educated middle class.
  • The Internet = Usenet + E-Mail
  • “Have you heard of those SUV things? I think I saw one last Tuesday.”
  • “Then, on Wednesday, that stinky hippie chick in my Zoology lab went off about this ‘Global Warming’ thing.”
  • The world leader called “George Bush” is widely regarded as mildly incompetent and slightly out of touch with reality. American Democracy will easily survive his tenure.